


November 9

by ClaireFisher



Category: Psych (TV 2006)
Genre: F/M, Letters, Pre Episode: s07e07, Secrets, Shawn Spencer Whump, Thoughtful Shawn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24173005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireFisher/pseuds/ClaireFisher
Summary: One day before Lassie's wedding, Shawn ponders if it's finally time to tell Jules his secret and reveal to her his biggest lie. He has been lying from the start. But would she really want to know the whole truth? What if he told her and it destroyed her, destroyed their relationship? Would she ever forgive him?
Relationships: Juliet O'Hara/Shawn Spencer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	November 9

**Author's Note:**

> Afternoon, I'm back with another story.
> 
> This one was too, like my previous story, based on a song I like very much and that entitles this fanfiction, November 9 by Griffin Peterson. 
> 
> Like I described in the tags this was set pre ep 7x07. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy and please, leave a comment. I'll love to hear your opinion, suggestion, or anything else you feel like.
> 
> Stay safe and stay home! ;)

**You got scars, so do I**

**If I could, I take them all and make them mine**

**But for now, I play the part**

**And let you in just far enough for this to start**

**For this to start**

Shawn sat at the Psych’s office couch with a heavy sigh, his body pained and tired from the lack of sleep he had been having the past few weeks. He dropped his head on his hands, his back bent down, and the feeling that he was carrying the weight of the world in his shoulders never abandoning him. Only, it wasn’t the weight of the world, but the weight of his lies, every single one of them from the past six years, haunting him like shadows ready to consume him any minute now.

Sure he was good at hiding it from Juliet after all that’s what he had been doing since they first met. He let her in just enough so they could be together, just enough so she wouldn’t see his secrets, his scars not properly healed. 

He played the part of the psychic, the man capable of supernatural acts and conversations with “spirits” and she bought all of it. From the start, she believed in him. 

But they got close, build a friendship that led them to a relationship and Shawn got to know Jules in all her forms, the woman under the layers she put up to protect her wounded heart, and the deeper he got, the most Shawn desired nothing more than to take all her pain and make it his, so she would never be sad another day in her life.

If he could, Shawn would erase each hurtful memory or painful experience from her life. 

Unfortunately, that meant he would have to erase himself from her life too because he knew that, the moment his secret leaked, he was doomed. There was no way out of that lie anymore. It was either keep it to the grave or let the house go down, all bricks crumbling at him. 

**I remember everything, when the fire of your heart begin to sting**

**I couldn't tell you all my sins**

**Much too scared of what the truth might bring**

When he closed his eyes Shawn could still picture his first moments with Jules. Not necessarily when they first met but the first time he saw that sparkle in her eyes. The consuming fire calling him like a siren calls sailors down the waters. 

The mutual pining, the flirtations, smiles, and silly jokes, the lame excuses to see each other, and the consuming jealousy when someone new entered the picture. 

He wanted to tell her back then, all his sins, all the wrongs he committed in his life, his regrets and his sorrows, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it, too scared of opening up and getting hurt all over again. His childish actions, that unbelievable immatureness being mainly a mask to cover the pain Shawn still carried in his heart for all he suffered in his past. So he didn’t say a thing. 

And then, he just couldn’t. 

Because now she was too much involved, they were too much in love, and Shawn wouldn’t risk losing that, he couldn’t lose Jules. 

When Declan came, an opportunity presented itself, it was his chance, he could do it. If she had forgiven that random man she could forgive Shawn too, couldn't she? Only he wasn’t that assured and bet in the uncertain when it came to Juliet wasn’t an option. 

And, before Shawn knew he was kissing her like he always wanted and there was no coming back. His secrets would remain that way, his sins hidden under lock and key. 

**I've been lying from the start, you know it's tearing me apart**

**Would you really want the whole truth?**

**When I finally tell it all, will it be a wrecking ball?**

**Or a bitter taste you try to hide as smooth**

**I know I took it all away**

**So let me give it all back to you**

**You, oh, you, you**

**Give it all, give it all back to you**

He had been lying from the very start, way before Juliet. But now she was there, waking up by his side every day believing she knew all, not aware that, although Shawn never lied about his feelings for her, his love, not even for a second, he lied about who he was, and that was bad enough. It was tearing him apart piece by piece.

But would she really want to know the whole truth? What if he told her and it destroyed her, destroyed their relationship? Would she ever forgive him? 

Maybe not. 

And as selfish as it was, Shawn was aware of it, he couldn't risk his relationship with the truth. He couldn't live a life without Juliet. Once she entered his life she changed him forever and, no matter how many women he met or how far he ran away, Jules was the one and ultimate love of his life. 

He knew that, by keeping his lie, he was taking all from her. Taking her chances to meet a truthful man who would never do that to her, the chances to know him for real, taking her free willing to choose what she wanted for her life relationship-related and what kind of man she truly desired to be with. 

**You read the truth, I tell no lies**

**Every page outlined with you ends with goodbye**

**I'm losing sleep, cause I write all night**

**Always end up with the words November 9, oh**

So there, on that cloudy dawn, while Gus slept peacefully on his bed, far away from the Psych’s office, therefore incapable of interrupting him, and Jules back at the station finishing the paperwork of their last solved case before Lassie’s wedding, Shawn decided it was time to tear those walls down. 

He opened the second drawer of his desk and picked a clean piece of paper and a pen, working on his confession, trying to be as clear and candid as possible as he wrote the truth word by word. From the time he was brought in to the station as a lead suspect to that very moment where he sat tiredly on his chair, putting his heart out in a very unusual way to him, after all, Shawn could count the number of times he wrote a letter to someone. 

But he decided that it had to be done. 

It was time to finally go against all predictions and statements people made about him. He could be as mature as he was immature and now he would prove the man he really was. 

Somehow, as he went further on his process of writing that letter the words “November 9” kept ringing in his ear in the voice of Jules. She would often remind him (as he would ever forget) that date marked the day when they first kissed, for real, and finally clarified the feelings they had for each other. 

From that morning beyond, Canada would always have a special place in Shawn’s heart, the feelings he felt still as vivid as in the actual moment, the taste of Juliet’s lips on his unforgettable. 

It was for her he was doing this, so let it be. 

And so Shawn wrote, all his rambled words, putting his confused mind in order, trying to not miss any detail, she deserved it all. Juliet deserved the whole truth. 

He couldn’t go on, kissing her every morning, feeling that weight grows in his heart knowing that at each touch he was stealing her the right of making a conscious choice, to kiss him despite his lies and not because he was lying. 

**Your heart is on fire and my soul's a flame**

**But the damage left behind us is not the same**

**So let me give it all back to you, you, you, you**

**Give it all, give it all back to you**

**You, you, oh, you, you**

**Give it all, give it all back to you**

As he wrote, his hand started to cramp a little, him going faster than his fingers could move through the paper, but Shawn didn’t care. Juliet’s face would dance around in front of his eyes, her sweet smile, her sleepy morning face, her inquiring look, and cute little nose. Her golden blonde hair shining under the sunlight and her soft fluffy cheeks that he liked so much to pinch, annoying her very much, but still doing it anyway.

Jules was the fire in his life, the one that turned his soul into that endless flame. She was his good morning and his goodnight, she was everything. 

How would he live if he lost her?

Would the damage he caused, the years he stole from her, be left behind them or would he lose it all? 

Now it didn’t matter, what was done was done, period. With a final “love you” signed at the end, Shawn folded the letter and shoved it back at his pocket, intending to carry it with him. After Lassie’s wedding, everything would be different but there, Shawn decided that, whatever it takes, he wouldn't give up on Jules. It was better if he told her rather than she found out on her own. 

His phone rang, bringing him back to reality. At the screen Juliet’s name glowed along with her photo, her loose hair flying on the wind, a small flower Shawn picked from a garden when they were walking around their neighborhood on a Sunday afternoon.

She had no makeup on, no fancy dress or high heels. He had put that orange flower in her hair, the sunset behind her matching the plant. Finding no higher beauty than his girlfriend at that moment, Shawn snapped that photo, only for him, thinking no one was more perfect than his Juliet. 

After the third ring, he picked up.

_ “Shawn? Where are you? I just came home and you weren’t here. I…” _

“Hey, sweetheart. I’m okay, just headed out to pick some breakfast for us.”

_ “Oh, okay. Just remember that the guys are coming here in half an hour to pick you up. I’m waiting for the chief so we will meet Marlowe for the bachelorette party.” _

“Sure, I’m heading back right now. I just…”

Shawn suddenly lost his words, the burden too heavy, the recently written words burning in his mind. He couldn’t do that anymore. Running his hand through his hair, he sighed in frustration, forgetting for a second that he was still on the call with Jules.

_ “Shawn? Are you okay?” _

He could hear the concern in her voice, her cop mode clicking in as she sensed trouble. That just made everything worse. 

“Jules… I…”

_ “Shawn, what’s going on?” _

“Jules. I… I lied to you.”

_ “What?” _

“I lied to you.”

_ “What are you talking about Shawn?” _

He took a deep breath, that was it, that was the moment, he just couldn’t take it anymore. But then, in a split second, a framed photo caught his attention. There, embracing each other, Jules looked at him so tenderly while the beach set a perfect background, that warm smile, and that carefree mood. Shawn wasn’t ready yet. 

“I told you I went to pick up some breakfast but the truth is I came to the Psych’s office.”

_ “Oh...huh… Is everything okay? ” _

“Everything is fine. I just had to clear my mind I guess. Too many thoughts.”

_ “Shawn…” _ \- her voice softer now, the worry melting into understanding -  _ “You know you can talk to me, don’t you? About anything?” _

“I know sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

_ “It’s okay. Why did you lie though?” _

“I just… didn’t want you to worry.”

He listened to the phone go silent for a few seconds, knowing that Jules was just absorbing his words, still a little worried but not over his life anymore, as previously he knew she was. 

_ “Shawn, I’m here for you. I’ll always worry a little.” _

“I know.”

_ “But, if you say everything is good now, so it is.” _

“Sure.”

_ “So… no pancakes then?” _

Shawn felt a smile crept its way to his face, her longing tone filled with hope that he would prove her wrong.

“No sweetheart. I’ll stop and buy you a bunch of them.”

_ “Okay! Doesn’t need to be a bunch, just five or six.” _

“Jeez woman, you can eat!”

_ “Shut up! Just bring these babies to me!” _

“Your order is a duty!”

_ “Thanks, babe.” _

“No problem. See you soon.”

_ “Sure. Love you. Bye” _

He listened to the phone go dead, she didn’t wait for him to say it back, but damn he loved her, so much it hurt. She and that appetite and sweet tooth she had. She and all her concerns over him. She and all the fire she carried inside. 

Shawn looked around one last time before leaving the office, making sure the letter was safely hidden in his pocket. It would be a long way, the thick clouds in his eyes, he would make sure to disguise very well, announcing a storm that was coming his way. 

But if he realized one thing was that, it wasn’t impossible. 

He told her the truth, just right there, so he knew he could.

Just after the wedding, maybe a few weeks after, who knew? He just hoped not to lose the courage to do it. 

He would give her all back, all her rights, all her time, all the love he could possibly express. He would give it all back to her. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment if you feel like! I always enjoy talking with you. ;)


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